How to Have Difficult Conversations With Employees, Partners, or Clients

Research & Sources / Communication & Influence

A small splinter in your finger is annoying. Take it out today and it stings for a second. Leave it in for a week and it becomes red, swollen and painful, and getting it out hurts much more. Difficult conversations are like splinters. The longer you wait, the more they hurt.

Why we avoid them

An employee who is not performing. A business partner who is not keeping their side of the deal. A client who keeps paying late or asking for things outside the contract. Everybody knows the conversation needs to happen. Few want to start it.

We avoid these talks because we fear conflict, worry about damaging the relationship, or hope the problem will fix itself. It rarely does. Meanwhile frustration grows, and when the conversation finally happens, it is more emotional than it needed to be.

Three conversations in one

Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project studied many difficult conversations. They found that every difficult conversation is really three conversations at once.¹

The “what happened?” conversation. Who did what, who is right. Usually both sides have part of the story.

The feelings conversation. Frustration, disappointment, hurt. Often unspoken, but present.

The identity conversation. What does this say about me? Am I a good manager, a fair partner, a competent professional?

Knowing this helps you stay calm. If the other person reacts strongly, it is often because the conversation touches their identity, not just the facts.

A simple structure

1. Start with the purpose. “I’d like to talk about the last three deliveries, because I want our cooperation to work well for both of us.”

2. Describe what you observed. Facts, not judgements. “Three of the last five deliveries arrived after the agreed date.”

3. Share the impact. “That meant we had to apologise to two of our clients.”

4. Ask for their view, and listen. “How do you see it?” There may be things you do not know. Research shows that people who feel listened to become less defensive and more open.²

5. Agree on a next step. What will be different, by when, and when will you check in?

Keep it about the problem

Avoid words like “always” and “never”, and avoid statements about character. “You are unreliable” invites a fight. “These deliveries were late” invites a solution. Research on feedback shows that comments aimed at the person rather than the task often make performance worse, not better.³

What this means for you this week

• Name the one difficult conversation you have been avoiding longest.
• Write down the purpose, the facts and the impact in three sentences.
• Prepare one open question to understand their side.
• Schedule the conversation within the next five working days.

The splinter will not come out by itself. And it never hurts less than today.

Sources

1. Stone, D., Patton, B. & Heen, S. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Penguin Random House. penguinrandomhouse.comFrom the Harvard Negotiation Project: every difficult conversation contains a “what happened” conversation, a feelings conversation and an identity conversation.
2. Itzchakov, G. & Kluger, A. N. (2018). The Power of Listening in Helping People Change. Harvard Business Review. hbr.orgPeople who feel truly listened to become less defensive and more open to reconsidering their views.
3. Kluger, A. N. & DeNisi, A. (1996). The effects of feedback interventions on performance. Psychological Bulletin, 119(2), 254-284. doi.orgFeedback improves performance on average, but in about a third of cases it made performance worse, especially when it targeted the person rather than the task.