How to Give Feedback Without Creating Resistance

Research & Sources / Communication & Influence

If someone tells you that you have spinach in your teeth by holding up a mirror, you say thank you and fix it. If they announce it loudly in front of everyone while pointing at you, you feel embarrassed and maybe angry, even though the information was exactly the same. Feedback can be a mirror or a hammer. The words matter less than the way they land.

Feedback can backfire

Most people believe feedback always helps. Research says it is more complicated. Avraham Kluger and Angelo DeNisi reviewed hundreds of studies on feedback at work. On average, feedback improved performance. But in about a third of the cases, it made performance worse.¹

The feedback that backfired most often was the kind that pulled attention away from the task and towards the person: their worth, their character, how they compare to others. When feedback feels like an attack on who you are, you defend yourself instead of improving.

Mirror feedback

Good feedback works like a mirror. It shows something specific that the person can see and change. Three things help:

Describe the behaviour, not the person. “In the meeting, you interrupted the client twice” instead of “you are a bad listener”.

Describe the effect. “After the second time, the client stopped explaining their problem.” Now the person understands why it matters.

Look forward. “In the next meeting, could you try letting them finish before answering?”

Say why you are giving it

David Yeager and colleagues found that critical feedback was far more likely to be used when it came with a short message like: “I am giving you these comments because I have high standards and I know you can reach them.”² The message tells the person that the feedback is a sign of belief, not of doubt.

Balance matters

Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman found that high-performing teams shared far more positive comments than negative ones.³ That does not mean wrapping every criticism in fake praise. It means that people accept criticism much more easily from someone who also regularly notices what they do well.

Timing and place

• Soon: feedback about last week is useful; feedback about last year is a surprise.
• Private: critical feedback belongs in a one-to-one conversation.
• Calm: wait until your own frustration has cooled down.
• Two-way: end with a question: “How do you see it?”

What this means for you this week

• Choose one piece of feedback you have been postponing.
• Write it as behaviour, effect, next time.
• Add the reason: high standards and belief in the person.
• Give three pieces of specific positive feedback this week too.

Hold up the mirror. Leave the hammer in the toolbox.

Sources

1. Kluger, A. N. & DeNisi, A. (1996). The effects of feedback interventions on performance. Psychological Bulletin, 119(2), 254-284. doi.orgFeedback improves performance on average, but in about a third of cases it made performance worse, especially when it targeted the person rather than the task.
2. Yeager, D. S. et al. (2014). Breaking the cycle of mistrust: Wise interventions to provide critical feedback across the racial divide. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(2), 804-824. doi.orgCritical feedback framed as “I have high standards and I believe you can reach them” was far more likely to be acted on.
3. Zenger, J. & Folkman, J. (2013). The Ideal Praise-to-Criticism Ratio. Harvard Business Review. hbr.orgHigh-performing teams shared far more positive than negative comments; criticism works best inside a mostly positive relationship.